


'cause we don't say what we really mean

by expectans



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Domestic, Established Relationship, Fluff, Lack of Communication, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 14:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20853434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectans/pseuds/expectans
Summary: "Right", Kun just mumbles as soon as Johnny finishes, taking what seemed to be the last sip of his coffee. "It's not like I'm therapist couple or anything, I always tell you that, and I'm going to say that maybe it was more efficient for you two to go on one"."Yeah, if it doesn't work out now, I think I'm going to have to look for one"."It would be good, actually"."But… you know us both better than anyone. And you've helped us many times before"."I just told you to stop hiding things from Ten, but it seems like it got totally over your head, huh?""So you're saying that...""Yes, Johnathan, you're a dumbass".or Johnny and Ten face troubles in their relationship. Kun helps.





	'cause we don't say what we really mean

**Author's Note:**

> uh hi?  
jesus. i miss johnten.  
it's my first time posting anything here, and this one is just a self-indulgent, excuse for me proper focus to make me create something after a long time.  
anyways hope you guys enjoy xx

_We're in trouble._

There it is. The first step was given.

It seemed foolish to have difficulty admitting something so simple. And the guilt of it may come the way we were taught. There's no room to show ourselves vulnerable and incapable in a society like ours. His mother's voice telling that "we have to learn to deal with our things alone" is still clear in his memories. It wasn't just his mother who told him that. He's sure that his father, his grandparents and even some of his uncles told him similar things at some point. Nobody wants to see a boy his age saying he's having trouble with such silly things.

"Cut the crap, boy". Talk about your problems with someone else? It only brings even more problems. So, how do you cope when arguably there's a problem, but you have no idea how to solve it?

Taking another sip of his coffee, Johnny observes the outside landscape of the apartment through the window. There was this poetic thing in the sky just before sunrise. The mix of colors was magnificent. Or it was just a good excuse to give yourself up for staying awake in the morning, completely sleepless.

His mother hated that he drank so much coffee since it "worsened insomnia even more". And it's not like he wants to sleep. Sleeping slowed down the hours he had alone, being able to walk freely around the house, thinking as much as he wanted, doing what he wanted, since lately, until his breath near his boyfriend caused discussions and eventually endless fights.

He remembers very well how he fell in love with the other. He even laughs a bit about how ironic it was to remember that in that time since it’s been at least two weeks that he’s been sleeping on the couch.

It was a cold as hell, and who does anything but try to get warm in a cold like that? His boyfriend.

There was Johnny, on an unfortunate afternoon on Thursday, finishing a full cup of hot chocolate and begging all the gods above he remembered so that his electric heater was still working. It's been a few weeks since it gave him a problem and he just didn't care. He had already called two electricians technicians and none of them had given him a satisfactory answer or given him a budget that did not exceed the little reserve he had for emergencies that happened every three days.

For some luck, fate or whatever, the damned electric heater worked and he was no longer freezing in his apartment. As soon as he got comfortable on the couch, just to appreciate the warmth that affected the room, the doorbell rings.

Summing up the lame moment of Johnny's immediate certainty that he had just met the very love of his life, his newcomer neighbor greeted him, as he would live in the front apartment. They ended up sharing beers and joints after the first date, which became a regular thing every Friday at six in the apartment who was the lucky one.

Just eight months later, the two were exclusive and were living together. It was almost unbelievable that Johnny was so lucky to have someone like Ten as his boyfriend. The change was the easiest part since the younger had few things and was literally _in the front apartment_. The hardest part was... Share the same apartment. Both were accustomed to being living alone since they left their families' homes, so sometimes it was hard not to bother to share the same bed, for example. But in time everything was flowing smoothly.

And that's what fascinated him most in their relationship: it was easy. There was a strong connection that made the two of them simply understand themselves without needing much effort.

When the two talked for the first time, the subject flowed so easily that it seemed until they had already met in another moment. They shared some opinions, but most common tastes and even their habits and behavior were alike.

Maybe that's one of the reasons things started to get a little more delicate.

All this practically automatic understanding that the two of them had was almost completely lost after a while, so they were taking them off the rails and taking out every night of Johnny's sleep. They still respected each other and there was still love per see, that was obvious.

On quieter mornings, they were still cuddling in bed, just feeling the presence of each other in the same bed – the halves are completing and fitting in as one, the beats and breaths synchronized.

And moments like those, even rarer, Johnny still saw himself hopeful and passionate. And when he looked deep at the other's eyes, he could still see them shining and full of affection.

So, what the hell was wrong with them?

So there was the second step: _understanding what's going wrong_.

One of the first memories that Johnny had of when things started to get weird was on a day when Ten came home late, looking upset about something. The older one had also a terrible day to be fair, his head was throbbing as never so if Ten was acting in some specific different way, he wouldn’t notice.

He knew his boyfriend well and even though he asked how his day had been, he would only answer with "was alright, the usual". And that time was no different. They dined together normally, Ten only answering to what was asked, without making comments even while watching their favorite TV show. As soon as it was over, he took his usual 30-minute bath and went to bed immediately afterward. The next day, he woke up just fine, as if nothing had happened the night before, made the two of them take a long bath together and make them both be late for work. Nothing out of the blue.

But after that day, Ten became more and quieter, barely responding to what was asked. And to make it worse, as the days passed, he began to avoid Johnny too. Until it got to the point they were in right now, where Johnny could barely remember which was the last time they sat down and talked for real about anything.

And they always talked a lot about everything. _Practically everything_.

Did Johnny stop telling him something? Or have him stopped sharing anything?

I mean, he _knows_ had. It got harder to even talk about the most trivial things, like "where did you keep the detergent?", or "did you watch the new season of Stranger Things?".

And, well, maybe he doesn't know how to start a proper conversation with him anymore. Which is... Terrible, considering they were friends long before they became lovers.

Okay, so we get to the third step: _to find a solution_.

And there was only one person who came to his mind every time he needed a solution: Qian Kun. He was a friend of Ten first, but as the two lived together, it was easy to become his friend too. Kun besides being great at pulling the ear of the two and also being the person responsible for not letting them starve was also extremely practical and gave great advice for the good part of the problems involving their relationship.

Johnny was tired of asking him if it didn't tire him out, but he just shrugged and said, "you wouldn't be anywhere without me." Which was a bit weird, considering that he had his relationship to worry about. But Johnny was grateful since Kun had already helped them countless times.

"What's the matter this time?", Kun asks, among the constant smoke that went up from his coffee.

A few things left Johnny calm. Besides his family and Ten, there were high doses of caffeine and the cafeteria that he invited Kun on a rainy afternoon. It’s been a whole five years that he attended it, no matter what mood he was in. Of course, Ten went there with him too, but less often. Johnny was pretty sure that he had already brought all his friends to meet that place.

It was cozy like every good cafeteria, modern and brought good memories of his hometown; without him knowing how to explain the motive very well, it only did. And it never was very crowded, if you knew the right time to show up.

So inviting Kun to meet him there in an afternoon like that seemed just fair.

"I... don't know", Johnny admitted, defeated. Kun just waited, patient as always. It didn’t take too much to make Johnny talk about his feeling, but this time it was hard to just… Put everything out.

"I mean... I know there's something wrong between us. We're not very good at expressing ourselves with words and such, but we've always talked a lot. And now... We haven't talked in weeks". And there he was, talking.

"I always tell you that admitting that there's something wrong is the first step, right?"

"Yes, and I followed your advice. That's why I called you here".

"Okay and? What conclusion did you get?"

"Being honest? None. I can't tell from what moment things just started to get weird and…"

"You didn't even bother to try to ask him, did you?", Kun interrupts him, straight forward. His tone was not accusatory, just... Disappointed? Johnny wouldn't be surprised if he was, because... Well, that had happened before. At least three times. But, he always resorted to it, simply because every time it was a different problem and did not know what else to do, or how to do.

So he just lowers his head, disappointed with himself too.

Kun, at least a year ago, had already given him a long talk about what he had to do if he didn't want Ten to kick his butt in the next few days and to just stop assuming they’d figure the things out without talking at all. He needed to talk to him, show him he cared and wanted to hear what he had to say. He knew all of that, and yet there he was again. Going in for the same mistakes. Of course the two had their rhythm in the relationship, and, alright, Johnny considered Ten his best friend, but it was simply easier to just not talk about some matters with him because he thought he would not understand, or would not like, or would be offended, or freak out and run away.

The truth is – he didn't know what he could or couldn’t tell Ten, and he knew pretty well that the younger was in the same situation, or else he would have already yelled at him, saying he was an idiot for not telling him things. And that was the problem: Ten had not done any of it. He just didn't do anything. And his silence was what bothered him most.

So after deep breaths, he just dumps everything on Kun, without thinking too much about how stupid he sounded once more. And Kun wasn't judging him, just drinking his coffee, eventually settling his head or eating a piece of his brownie, listening intently.

"Right", Kun just mumbles as soon as Johnny finishes, taking what seemed to be the last sip of his coffee. "It's not like I'm a therapist couple or anything, I always tell you that, and I'm going to say that maybe it was more efficient for you two to go on one".

"Yeah, if it doesn't work out now, I think I'm going to have to look for one".

"It would be good, actually".

"But… you know us both better than anyone. And you've helped us many times before".

"I just told you to stop hiding things from Ten, but it seems like it got totally over your head, huh?"

"So you're saying that..."

"Yes, Johnathan, you're a dumbass".

"Thanks, already knew that. But... Seriously. I'm a little desperate here", he faces him, suppling.

"My Holy Buddha...", he sighs heavily, eating another piece of his brownie. "Fine then. I will tell this again, you need to stop hiding things from Ten. I know you care about him, and I don't know what excuse you like to tell yourself, but hiding is always worse. And it doesn't matter if you think he's going to be offended, or too worry, you just... Do tell him things. He's going to feel more comfortable telling you things too, so... End it once and for all. I'm serious".

Johnny settles, just absorbing everything. He knew that was one of the biggest problems he had to fix, and soon.

"And one more thing, pretty much like the other. Stop thinking he's not going to tell you what he's bothered about. Unlike you, Ten talks about things, he just needs a little push. And if he stopped talking, it means he's not seeing any reason to talk to you. Either because you stopped worrying, or because you're too stubborn to just pull him by the hand and ask 'Hey, what's wrong?'. And if you're worried about something, let him know too. There's no way he's just guessing everything that happens to you, Johnny. I don’t even know how it was that you took the initiative to ask him out".

"Because... He did it, actually"

"Oh!", Kun had to laugh at the older expression’s, "So now it all makes sense". He laughed for a while until Johnny looked at him with puppy eyes. He just scratches his throat and keeps talking. "It doesn't matter, I'm sorry. You should learn from him how to take initiative for that sort of thing, okay? I've said that before, but relationships involve mutual effort. I don't doubt you guys get along well, not needing much talk, but you're cutting off the participation he has in your life, and most likely it was what made him close up and barely speak to you".

Johnny just sits, thinking carefully in every word of his friend. Maybe he finally knew from what moment things started to get tougher.

"Okay", the older one scratches his throat. "So you think that... If I just ask him if it's all right...?"

"He may end up opens up to you and start to treat you normally again. It can take a while, I can’t tell, but he loves you, don't forget that. He just... need to remember that too. Be honest with him, Johnny, for real".

"I'll try. I don't want us to end up with something as silly as that. I love him so much and...".

"Okay, okay... Save the cheesy stuff for him, not me. Thanks for the coffee and everything, but I need to go. I have other things to do, you know".

"Yes, of course, and I will... Try to talk to Ten".

“Not try, you will talk to him. Or I’ll force you to”.

Johnny drops a long, tired sigh, "okay".

He says goodbye to his friend, hugging him and thanking him again, and the other just beckons with his head, leaving immediately afterward. He seemed in a hurry. So much so that he left what he ate so that Johnny would pay.

When, later, he asks him for a message why hurry and because he had not offered to try to pay his account, he responds with a brief "ttyl, go to Ten first".

Before going directly home, where he would certainly find the boyfriend – who at this time of day should be awake, probably painting, drawing or talking to his mother – and he wanted to think with a little more care in everything he wanted to say, what would he say and regret about letting things gets so bad that he had no idea how to start a conversation with the love of his life.

He decides to go home by walking (it is not as if he was too far from the apartment anyway), without much haste and still thoughtful. At every step closer to home, he felt his stomach ache more and more. When he pressed the button on his floor already in the elevator, he felt his sweaty hands. He lets a laugh his humor escape, "pathetic", he hardly says. If only he was a little more courageous and confident with his boyfriend, none of this would be happening.

But, well, the damage was already done. What was left of him was to fix what he could?

With his legs shaking and making sure he would have a heart attack if he didn't talk to Ten soon, and with a lot of difficulty putting the key in the right place, he goes into the house a little too brusque, making his boyfriend jump off the couch with the noise of the door, knocking down the huge bucket of popcorn than in his lap.

“Jesus fuck! Youngho!", the smallest curses, taking one of his hands to his chest, staring at him with the shirring brow. "Are you trying to kill me or what?"

The biggest one is silent while he locks the door, take off his shoes and jacket.

"Incredible as that is the longest phrase you've told me in recent times..." _or as you just never call me Youngho_, he continues in his thoughts, but Ten may have listened, since he closed even more of his frown and picked up the bucket with what he managed to save of the popcorn. Well, being fair, Ten only called him Youngho at totally sporadic moments just as he called him Chittaphon only when he was angry, which was rare.

Ten just grumbly bends back his legs on the couch and turns his attention to the TV, which was showing up a Thai rom-com that he and Johnny watched countless times before. Johnny sighs, knowing that the next few moments wouldn't be easy. But nothing could be worse than the situation they were already in.

A little hesitant, he goes to the couch and sits next to the smallest, who doesn't even bore to look at him, far from what he usually sat on. They both knew the lines from that movie like the back of their hands and they once swore they would never watch it alone. But, again, nothing between them as usual or close to what they've been one day.

"Ten", he tries, his voice coming off weak as he moistens his lips before continuing, "Can we talk?"

The smallest one finally looks at him, after stopping the movie, as if Johnny had just created a second head right in front of him. "Huh," he says, after a few infinitely long moments for the other, softening his expression, but still without seeming very friendly, “Sure”.

Johnny breathes deep, gathering all his courage to try to start the conversation, perhaps, one of the most serious he's ever had. "I... Hm...", Ten watched him attentively but did not seem impatient. Just curious and a little irritated. But he waited for Johnny to organize his thoughts once more, as soon as he scratches his throat. "I know I haven't been a good boyfriend, not even doing half the things I promised you when we started dating", he notes Ten's high brow. "I apologize for that. I just got carried away by our routine, distracts me from the main focus of our relationship. I think I've changed a lot lately, we both changed a lot and... I never knew how to handle this, and I shouldn't have let you go through a difficult time, nor should I have let you fell out of my life, or given that impression, at least. I... I never stopped loving you, Ten, I don't even know if I'm ever able to. You were and are the most important person in my life, and nothing or anyone will change that”, he says everything as most sincerely as he can, even under the intimidating gaze preached on his face, observing even the smallest of his movements.

A few seconds in silence afterward, Ten nods with his head. "Okay".

Johnny's shoulders fall to hear your answer. "You... Do you forgive me, or...?"

"I need to think," Ten cuts him. "I don't think I have anything to forgive you, even if you've done something wrong. I was wrong too. But, as you said yourself, many things are changing between us and surrounding us, and... I think we need to take it easy. And know that...", surprising even himself, Ten stretches one hand and holds one of Johnny’s, who had them on his lap, impatiently. "It's very nice to know that you love me and still want to be by my side. Of all things, you are what makes me the happiest, John, and I do not want to lose you".

The older one allows himself to smile a little, approaching the smallest and his hand going to automatically stop at his neck, his favorite place, stroking it gently. "I missed you", he confesses, softly, but knows that the smallest heard him, since his eyes become small moons, giving space to his warm smile. "Which is bizarre since we shared the same roof."

They both laugh a little. "It's not that hard to believe since we're barely stopped at home now", Ten gets closer to the larger.

Johnny agrees, nodding with his head. "Damn the day we decided to buy another house".

"You... You want to give up?", Ten questions, seeming concerned with the possibility.

"No, I just think that... We should know how to balance the work with a little time for us. We have to. Not only for the relationship but for our own sake", he looks at the smallest, who seems to consider his words for a while until finally agreeing. He knew well that the two were extremely overwhelmed with their respective works, and all the stress ended up disturbing the moments when they could enjoy the company of the other.

"Not to mention that it’s been months that my headache does not pass", Johnny comments.

"Of course, you stay hours without eating anything. And yet I’m the one who’s not healthy”, he recovers his head on the shoulder of the largest, closing his eyes for a few seconds, just taking advantage of the heat emanating from the elder.

"I don't understand how you think it's healthy to not eat a single fruit in the last fifteen years at least".

"I take juice! I drink lots of water! That's should be enough".

Johnny just observes him, quiet, with a silly grin on his face.

When he realized that he was unresponsive, Ten raises his gaze to him, curious, and they can’t avoid but smile together, affectionate.

Johnny almost feels like nothing's changed. As if the two had not spent the hardest months of the whole relationship, as if they were still the same. It was easy to think so, with the smallest quietly in his arms again, just there, feeling the presence and warmth of the other. But he knew it wasn't quite like that, and somehow he knew that he felt the same. They were no longer the same as before since they're constantly changing, and that now I wanted different things and felt different things. They were different people, after all. But they knew that one thing had not changed, nor would it change in the near or distant future – the love and affection they nourished for each other.

Johnny caresses the other's neck. "Do forgive me?" he asks again.

"If I say yes will you stop with the puppy face?", Ten laughs at the offending expression that Johnny does next. "Seriously, John, it's okay. I'd feel a lot worse if you didn't make any more effort for us to try and talk about what's going on between us. It hurt me so much to see you go out and get home without me feeling like I didn't know you anymore, or that I didn't know what was going on with you anymore. But I didn't go try reaching out for you too nor tried to make the first move, but I think it took me a long time to figure out what was going on and when I noticed... I didn't know what else to do, and I was just getting… angry. Angrier with me than you".

"Ten, don't blame yourself for that... You were super busy, doing a thousand things at once..."

"But you were either and I didn’t have the decency to know if you were okay if you wanted to talk or if..."

"Can we agree then that we've both been wrong? We both let our obligations occupy more and more space in our lives. I think it was mutual oversight to let it get even worse to the point where we don't know how the other one was, don't you think?"

Ten played with the elder fingers, just to get his hands occupied. "I think so... It's not like we can change what happened now", he shrugs. "What we can do is... Not let it happen again".

"Or we can just buy the house later on, not at the end of the year".

"If we save a little, we may not even have to leave for later. How's that sound?” Johnny grimaces, "if you'd just stop spending so much on bath salts and..."

"Don't even think about it! I know what you're going to say! You spend tons every time you go to the mall and I never get to complain about it".

"Don't forget I buy you things too! I'm not selfish like that".

"Fine, fine... Just stop to rub it in my face, then".

"Okay," Johnny laughs and kisses the other hand. “I promise”.

"Now do me a favor and give me a proper kiss, you fat ass"

"I love you too, Tennie", Johnny laughs even more but does what the smallest asked for.

There was nothing in the world that could disrupt both of them at that moment.

**Author's Note:**

> sudden ending? don't tell me about it.  
thank you for reading!! hope it wasn't that bad lmao  
i plan to post more in the future, but who knows  
let me know what you guys think!! xx


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